Mistakes

Two nights ago, against my better judgement, I may have done some not good things.  The first being Percocet.  I let Collin talk me into it, and I have to admit, it was nice feeling but I feel awful ashamed that I got sort of high with my daughter sleeping upstairs.  I try to justify by the fact that had I been drunk, I would have been worse off.  Still, either way, it probably wasn't the smartest of moves on my part.  The second stupid part of the night is that I hooked up with Collin.  We agreed it was just a physical thing.  But I'm wondering to myself if I'm okay with that.  I don't trust him enough to ever think I could let myself be in a relationship with him, but I'm not sure if I'm still far enough away from my previous feelings to have a sexual relationship with him.  I mean don't get me wrong, the sex was awesome.  Truth be told, I pushed for it to get to that point.  I think he was willing to walk away.  I'm trying to think of it from an unemotional standpoint.  I'm essentially okay with using him for sex.  He's doing the same to me - again, ironically enough.  Hence why I think I'm probably not smart for getting into this situation.


However, if I'm being totally honest...part of it is like proving to myself that I can one up Heather.  I don't know why I let her get to me still.  I talk shit about her being obsessed with me, but one the same token I'm not sure how well I'm doing.  Although I suppose I should clarify.  I could care less what she does in her life, but I'm afraid that she will end up back with Collin.  I don't like the idea that I may someday have to watch him balance Maddie and her.  It also makes me wonder why, knowing everything she has done, he would still choose her.  I guess the thought of them together reinforces my feelings of not being good enough.  That is something I don't really know how to deal with.  I feel like I'm always that girl who is good enough to sleep with, but will never be dating material.  It's not just with Collin.  It was the same with Jason too.  He calls me up when he is having girlfriend issues, and then I stupidly sleep with him and the next day he goes back to his girlfriend.  Maybe I give off the air of low self-esteem that seemingly makes me undateable.

Maybe it is in my head; could I be letting a few bad experiences set the tone for my future?