Mistakes

Two nights ago, against my better judgement, I may have done some not good things.  The first being Percocet.  I let Collin talk me into it, and I have to admit, it was nice feeling but I feel awful ashamed that I got sort of high with my daughter sleeping upstairs.  I try to justify by the fact that had I been drunk, I would have been worse off.  Still, either way, it probably wasn't the smartest of moves on my part.  The second stupid part of the night is that I hooked up with Collin.  We agreed it was just a physical thing.  But I'm wondering to myself if I'm okay with that.  I don't trust him enough to ever think I could let myself be in a relationship with him, but I'm not sure if I'm still far enough away from my previous feelings to have a sexual relationship with him.  I mean don't get me wrong, the sex was awesome.  Truth be told, I pushed for it to get to that point.  I think he was willing to walk away.  I'm trying to think of it from an unemotional standpoint.  I'm essentially okay with using him for sex.  He's doing the same to me - again, ironically enough.  Hence why I think I'm probably not smart for getting into this situation.


However, if I'm being totally honest...part of it is like proving to myself that I can one up Heather.  I don't know why I let her get to me still.  I talk shit about her being obsessed with me, but one the same token I'm not sure how well I'm doing.  Although I suppose I should clarify.  I could care less what she does in her life, but I'm afraid that she will end up back with Collin.  I don't like the idea that I may someday have to watch him balance Maddie and her.  It also makes me wonder why, knowing everything she has done, he would still choose her.  I guess the thought of them together reinforces my feelings of not being good enough.  That is something I don't really know how to deal with.  I feel like I'm always that girl who is good enough to sleep with, but will never be dating material.  It's not just with Collin.  It was the same with Jason too.  He calls me up when he is having girlfriend issues, and then I stupidly sleep with him and the next day he goes back to his girlfriend.  Maybe I give off the air of low self-esteem that seemingly makes me undateable.

Maybe it is in my head; could I be letting a few bad experiences set the tone for my future?

In Over My Head

Am I?  Sometimes I think so.  I think Collin thinks I am.  I know he thinks I only chose nursing because Mom pushed me into it, and maybe he's partially right.  Am I super passionate about it?  Not really.  But at the same time, there isn't much that I can really see myself doing.  Without being too down on myself, I need to be realistic.  I'm 28 years old.  I am a single mother.  I need to find something that supports Maddie and me.  I can't waste time wanting to be a journalist, or hoping to win the lottery.  So what I hope for instead is to be able to provide a stable life for us.  I want a house with a backyard.  I want to be able to buy things just because, without needing to worry that I can't afford food later.  I don't want Maddie to ever feel like she has had to go without.  Choosing to become a nurse gives me that opportunity to get a stable job, making good money.

I know that things are hard right now.  I know that they will continue to be hard as time goes on.  But I'm smart.  I'm tough.  I can do this.  I just have to believe in myself.  Everyone hits a snag now and then.  I have to do this.  I refuse to let school, A&P especially defeat me.  I just need to dig down, and find that inner strength.  I need to look at Maddie, and remember why I'm doing it.  Because it's not about me anymore.  Every time I see her face light up with a big smile, just because she sees me, makes my life so happy.  I refuse to let myself fail that joyous smile.